It’s not an uncommon thing – two people marry, have children, and over time an increasing distance results in the breakdown of the relationship. The relationship starts out based on love and plenty of passion, but for a variety of reasons, it just doesn’t work out, and the couple heads into divorce. Usually, one personRead more
Reunification
Many families experiencing the ending of a marriage or long-term relationship do quite well explaining it to the kids and helping them make the transition into their new life – which usually includes going back and forth between each parent’s home and a whole host of other life changes. Some families, however, have a much harder time of it; anger and resentments between the former partners spill over into the lives of the children and cause a skewing of the relationship toward one parent or the other. Sometimes this goes so far as to fit the criteria of “parental alienation,” which has been shown to be tremendously damaging to children. Most cases don’t go this far, thankfully, but situations where children align much more strongly with one parent than the other can cause serious emotional challenges for children. When the imbalance is too great, the family may benefit from help with reunification.
Interested in this option? Follow the links below for more information about reunification.
“Two therapist model” v. “One therapist model”? Retainer v. no retainer? How does this all work?
The ins and outs of reunification therapy can be pretty complicated! Here are some points to know:
This type of therapy is different than other forms of therapy – it’s typically court-ordered or directed by a Parenting Consultant (PC), and those required to participate often have conflicting agendas. As a result, it requires a more directive and problem-solving type of approach to therapy than what people might expect.
Some therapists providing reunification services use a “two person model” – which simply means that one therapist works with the parents and one therapist works with the child. I use a “one person model” – which means that I meet with the parents and I work with the child. This doesn’t mean the child can’t continue to work with a therapist already in place – in fact, I find it really helpful if the child has another source of support separate from the family therapy I provide. I will meet with each co-parent individually, each child individually, a child and parent together, the co-parents together, etc. – whichever combination I feel the individuals are ready for and will move our work forward toward the goal of repairing the family relationships.
Some providers ask for a retainer in order to cover the work at the start of therapy to collect and review documents, contact collaterals (others involved with the family such as PCs, other therapists, guardian ad litems, etc.), and cover the cost of other tasks that are done outside of sessions. This is very similar to how PCs charge as well. I do not ask for a retainer. Instead, my hourly fee includes most of the costs of those calls, review of documents, etc. The only exceptions are when the documents to be reviewed are substantial, if I am asked to prepare a therapy summary for use in court, etc. This is all explained in detail at the outset of therapy.
“Children are extremely vulnerable to their parent’s mental health and their behaviours. Like tiny weather vanes, children will shift their allegiance back and forth depending upon their internalised experience of being threatened with abandonment. Children experience deeply that they are so dependent upon their parents that without them they would die. This is the underlying reason why some children are so vulnerable to alienation. When those same children are reconnected to parents who can convey to them their enduring healthy love and support, the fear of abandonment recedes and the defence drops.”
— Karen Woodall, April 16, 2020
Curious about my training in working with parent-child contact problems and reunification therapy? Click here and go to the “Training” tab for a list of professional education and training I’ve received over the years. I love learning and continue to pursue opportunities to deepen my knowledge and understanding of family conflict and the healing of relationships.
I am often appointed by the court to serve as a family’s Reunification Therapist – I help families address and repair parent-child contact problems. The focus is usually on the “targeted parent” and the child or children, but involves the “favored parent” as well. It is my responsibility to maintain focus on the best interests of the child or children and to uphold state and federal privacy laws maintaining the confidentiality of children and their families. This is a very difficult and complex role, and it’s not unusual that the favored parent is disappointed in the outcome – recommendations made in the best interests of the children.
A small percentage of these parents are unable or unwilling to accept these recommendations or decisions. Rather than accepting responsibility for their own role in having caused harm to their families and focusing on moving forward, they engage in maladaptive behaviors by voicing their anonymous view and complaints on various websites. These parents know that their angry posts cannot be disputed in that their privacy as well as the privacy of the other parent and children must be protected.
I encourage anyone who has read such reviews to view the postings with sympathy for the children of these parents. I also encourage you to contact me directly, via my website, if you would like to learn more about my practice and my approach to working with these very challenging situations.